October 29th, 2012 - a viable candidate
When I got back to the hospital, I texted Tyler to see if the doctors were there yet. He said I still had time, so instead of going straight back to our room, I went into the NICU pumping stations, closed the curtain behind me, and cried really hard for a few minutes.
These little cubbies, had become a bit of a sanctuary for me. So strange, but so true. I spent my time pumping in prayer. I said the rosary, I focused my thoughts, and I sat in quiet. It was a beautiful 30 minutes of peace every few hours that I relished.
When I got back to Matilda's corner of the PICU, everyone was bustling around and things were getting started. Tyler and I had a minute to eat before the liver specialist and a few others, including our social worker, came in to have a few words.
My heart raced. But it wasn't as scary as a trauma situation. If this was it, if they could not do anything else, at least she was in peace. And I was right there with her.
I held my breath.
They needed to do some tests to find more out. They needed to see if Matilda had bleeding in her brain. If she did, then that was the end. They would not consider her a viable candidate for transplant. We understood that. As much as we didn't want to hear that she would be unlisted and lose her chance at life, we understood. Why would they transplant a baby who endured severe brain damage?
I wrote this message to friends and family on Facebook:
Today is a pivotal day in regard to Matilda's recovery. The outcome of this day will decide if she can remain on the transplant list or if she is too sick to be considered a viable candidate. These are hard words to hear and speak, but Matilda is suffering and we see that. We are thankful that they got her intubated when they did because she got worse through the night and possibly suffered from many seizures. Her ammonia is now 444. Please continue to pray for our Matilda Mary, she needs all of you.And then we all waited and we all prayed in hope.
