october 8th, 2012 (part 1)

Every Thursday I look back at a specific day and time that was spent with my daughter Matilda as she waited for, received, and recovered from a liver transplant. She was in the hospital for 72 days and we remained in NYC until she turned four months old.

October 8th, 2012 - part 1

I typically deal with things in a very private way. I don't like to complain. I don't like lots of opinions. I just like to be alone in prayer and thought.



So when I posted things like this on Facebook:

I have had a couple of okay days, but today I can't seem to stop myself from crying. I miss my kids so much. I look forward to the day that Parker and Matilda can both snuggle up in my arms and we can put all of this behind us. For now, I will cry, pray, and wait.

Those who are closest to me knew that I was genuinely struggling.

And on days like this I was so thankful for those who reached out to me in all the right ways. I got emails of encouragement and kind messages on Facebook such as:

There's strength in tears. I'm just sorry that you're going through an occasion to need them. Thinking about you guys all the time. - Emily Bulger

I can't even imagine the pain you feel. Just keep praying, knowing that God will heal all wounds, both physical and emotional. Praying for you to be comforted and at peace. - Rachel Erickson

I was also thankful that Sharon was our nurse that day. She had a way of giving tough love in my darkest moments. She told me that I needed to stop crying. She told me that Matilda was fine and looking better already. She told me that I needed to get out and go find myself a pair of real shoes (I only had flip flops) and some real pants (I had maternity leggings and yoga pants).

I knew that Target was only one stop past RMH*, so I stopped there to shower and then headed on my way. The thing we all seemed to overlook was that I have the worst sense of direction. So there I was with tears in my eyes, wandering around Harlem, lost and feeling panicked. Oh, and it started raining.

But I eventually found Target. I found some real shoes, some pants, and a sweatshirt for Tyler. And I found the sense of joy that Sharon sent me out to find. I felt so proud of myself and so accomplished. I am sure that she knew I would get lost, but that eventually I would be reminded that there is always a way as long as you keep moving forward.

*[Editor's note: Target was one stop past the hospital and in the opposite direction of the Ronald McDonald House.]